Stepping out in faith

In 2001, I had the incredible opportunity to go to a monastery, called Taize, in France. I was 19, just a year out of high school. I knew I couldn't pass up the chance to go, since trips like that are sometimes once in a lifetime.

The week I was there, there were 2,000 people from all over the world. I was in a small group with people from Australia, Sweden, France, and the US.

Every day started with worship, followed by breakfast. We met with our small groups, had some free time, did our chores (each group had a chore assigned to them, such as serving a meal, clean up, etc.). After dinner each night we went to worship to end the day. All night was a time of silence, until worship the next morning.

2,000 people (mostly teens and young adults)....and not a spoken word. I don't know how, but it worked.

I'm not good with silence. My mind travels, and I never stay focused. But I absolutely loved this special time with God. It was during one of the times of silence after the evening service that I felt God calling me to go to Africa. I knew it was God because of the clarity and confidence in the "voice" from deep inside.

When I went home, I quickly got back into the routine of life. The feeling was still there, but I didn't let it be a priority.

That year I worked with Project Transformation at an after school program at Oak Cliff UMC. The pastor at the time was talking with one of my co-workers about their trip to Nigeria the previous year. I mentioned that call from God I got when I was at Taize. We talked more, and before I knew it, I was signed up to go to Nigeria in the summer of 2002.

We left not knowing when we would return, since the travel agent messed up our return flight. But we got on that plane with confidence that God would take care of us. And He did! It was an amazing journey. I learned so much, and my eyes were opened. I had multiple marriage proposals. We traveled on dirt roads, with potholes as big as a house. We shopped with an armed guard in an outdoor market. We visited an orphanage, where I wanted to just stay to love on all of the kids. I saw poverty beyond anyone's imagination. People living with our running water, electricity, toilets...all of the things we take advantage of here.

But they were joyful. They gave offerings at church while dancing and singing down the aisles. They thanked us for being there. They prayed for us. They hugged us.

That trip feels like a lifetime ago. It really was. It was before I met Ryan, got married, had kids...before life happened. I was so young, just 20 years old. I wanted to go back before I even got on the plane to go home.

But I never did.

When we started visiting our church in January, the lead pastor was in Kenya on a mission trip. That thought was still there, that feeling that never went away. I want to go.

Then a couple months ago, a church member went on a different trip to Kenya, and this time they mentioned that our church would be putting together a team to go next summer.

I want to go.

The voice, feeling, whatever you want to call it, was there again. But it was stronger this time. It still had the same clarity and confidence that I felt back in the chapel in Taize.

I start thinking about the can'ts and shouldn'ts.

We can't afford it. We should spend that money on other things we need.

Who will watch the kids while Ryan's at work?

What do I have to offer? I don't have medical, technical, or construction training.

Without missing a beat, God answered back...

We can't afford it. I will provide. Have faith.

Who will help with the kids? You have family and friends who love your kids and will help.

What do I have to offer? You have a servants heart.

This past Sunday, we had a guest speaker. His name is Stanley, and he's from Kenya. He talked about the needs at the Maua Methodist Hospital that he works at. After service, they had a casual meeting with him and Frank, our lead pastor, for those who might be interested in going to Kenya next summer.

So I went. I saw the cost of the trip, and once again, the doubts crept in. $5,000 is a lot of money. But we can't afford.....

But what? I will provide. Have faith.

So here I am. Trying to figure out how to make it happen. I trust God will provide a way, if this is where He wants me to go.

I'm not sure yet of details, and I haven't officially signed up. But I'm open to it. I'm praying about it. I'm trying to have an open heart and mind so we can make it work.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth."  --Acts 1:8

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?' Then I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" --Isaiah 6:8

The 'A' Word

At the age of 35, after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids, I have finally been able to put a label on what has caused me so much unease in my life.

So many sleepless nights.

So many scenarios that play out in my head of what will happen if I say this, or do that.

So many hours analyzing a text, a phone call, a comment, a look, or an inaction.

And so much more....

ANXIETY.

The "A" word.

Definition: (noun) a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or uncertain outcome.

(Psychiatry) a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

It took a very long time for me to even recognize it in myself, and even longer to say it in my own head. To say it loud took even longer, especially to another person. Only last night did I even use the A word with my husband.

To say it out loud -- I have anxiety -- is to admit that I have this psychological disorder. To let my guard down. To be vulnerable. To let go of this front, this illusion, that I can handle anything. That I'm not really strong. That I don't actually have it all together. To stop pretending that I'm okay.

Right now, I actually do feel like I'm good. My anxiety isn't bad, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on it. Which is why I am able to write this and even talk about it. But it's always there, just under the surface, waiting to pull me into its depths.

Looking back, I can clearly see several times in my life when anxiety had control. I recognize now that I should probably have been under a doctor's care & on medication to help me get out of anxiety's evil grip on my life.

But in those moments, those days, weeks, or even months of my life that I felt so helpless, I wasn't able to recognize just how bad it really was. I knew something was wrong, but I never could figure out what it was.

In those times I felt like a complete failure. I failed at being a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a Christian, as a person....

In those times of isolation, fear, worry, self-doubt, over-thinking and over-analyzing every little thing, I prayed and surrendered it all to God. I had to admit that I didn't know what was wrong or even how I felt, but that I couldn't do it anymore. He took my hand and pulled me out of the deepest waters of a raging sea into His calming presence.

Over the last year or so, I've finally been able to put a label on it. But again, to even say the words I have anxiety has been quite the journey.

One thing that has helped me has been listening to friends be so open and honest about their own battles with anxiety. To hear someone share what's happening to them and think that's exactly how I've felt for so long was a huge wake up call.

We all experience worry, self-doubts, and over-thinking different situations. But to have anxiety is so much more than that.

Last night, a friend shared an article that I could have written myself if I'd had the words. I mentally checked off every single thing on that list of what it's really like to live with anxiety.

Read the article HERE. Go ahead, I'll wait.

That is me. That is what it's like for me every single day. Some days are better than others. Some days I can control it. Other days (weeks, months....) it controls me.

Even my closest family and friends wouldn't recognize it, though. Not even my own husband. Not even myself. I'm that good at pretending I'm ok, that my head isn't constantly spinning a million miles a minute.

But pretending everything is ok doesn't work very well for very long. It all blows up eventually. I definitely knew that, even if I didn't know the trigger.

Anxiety is very isolating. It makes you feel like no one else understands how you feel. I mean, I know other people have it. It's just as real as depression, the flu, or the sun in the sky.

But to know, like, really know, that someone else can relate to exactly how you feel.... it makes you feel a little less crazy. A little less alone. A little more in control.

So. Because others have been so open and honest with me about how anxiety affects their lives, I am going to do the same. If those friends had been too afraid to share their struggles, I may never have recognized it in myself.

I hope and pray that in sharing my own thoughts and struggles with the Big A that it can help someone else feel not so alone. Maybe it can help YOU feel not so isolated. Or maybe, you know someone who has anxiety and either they don't recognize it for themselves or they aren't able to express what it's really like for them.

I know it's not easy for my husband or my kids. No relationship is easy all the time, but to love someone with anxiety may be harder than living with anxiety for yourself. It's like this vicious cycle, because I know that my anxiety puts a strain on our relationship. Which in turn makes my anxiety that much worse.

The thought of sharing this with anyone, especially the entire internet, scares me to no end. Or maybe no one will read it, and I don't know which scares me more! To put myself out there, all bare and exposed, and have everyone or no one read it.... it makes my head spin.

So I'm not going to over-think it. I'm just going to put it out there. Writing is lethargic to me, and if my ramblings can help even one person feel like they're not alone then I've done good.

I don't know who said this to give them credit, but I love it:

"You don't have to learn how to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting your thoughts control you."

So I'm going to (try to) do just that.

If you are reading this and feel like you can relate in any way, please hear this:

You are not alone.

You are enough.

You are worthy.

You are loved.

"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   ~Philippians 4:6-7

"'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.'"   ~Matthew 11:28-30

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You."   ~Psalm 56:3